In the wake of the financial crisis, the University of Missouri is struggling to keep their heads above water. The University just recently announced plans for a hiring freeze at all campuses, and there was even speculation that the institution had asked the Federal government for a small piece of the $700 Billion bailout plan to jumpstart the University’s economy. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake declined comment specific to MU, but did acknowledge the state of Missouri’s economy is at a critical stage and the gravity of the situation is very clear as we approach the holidays.
It appears as if Missouri residents all across the state are extremely concerned about the impact the economy will have on the holidays. One Columbia small business owner and huge Chase Daniel fan, Ollie Tabooger said, “Residents just aren’t buying like they normally do. I haven’t sold any race car tires yet this month, and Methamphetamine sales are way down. I guess they’ve all just decided to make the goods in their bald tired Trans Ams rather than buy from me.”
Additionally, there are even concerns that spirits are so low that people may not even decorate their trailer yards with the usual red and green flamingos as we head into the holiday season.
Realizing the magnitude of Missouri’s economic situation, it looks as if the Kansas University Football team may have responded (either intentionally or unintentionally) to MU’s cry for help. An unnamed Lawrence resident and Economics major has speculated that perhaps KU may have intentionally thrown both the Nebraska and Texas football games, locking up the North Division title for MU, simply because they were “taking pity on their rivals to the East.”
Although the theory may sound far fetched, experts have agreed that handing MU a division title, even though they haven’t really beaten anyone this year, just may be exactly what the State needs to re-build its economy and lift the spirits of its residents. Because there is a strong possibility that KU still may beat MU at Arrowhead Stadium on November 29, which could potentially push Missourians into a greater state of both economic and personal despair; this North Division title that was gift wrapped will be more important than ever, and must be used as a means to try to generate some revenue and stimulate the struggling economy.
KU officials have not commented on the theory, but have said they hope everything turns out “okay” for MU. They did however go on and say that they have no intention of conceding the game between the rivals to be played at Arrowhead in Kansas City, but at least one official said he hopes this is the last game ever between these teams in “concrete hell.”
In related news, officials from Texas Tech University, the University of Texas, Oklahoma University, and Oklahoma State University have all made similar comments about MU’s economic situation and recent entry into the Big 12 championship game, stating that they “don’t give a damn about the MU economy, and are going to stomp ‘em to hell!”