Struggling to write that 2008 football preview for the Kansas "Just a Fluke" Jayhawks? Look no further my reporter friends, for just $9.95 you can download the following outline to help you wiz through this challenging task. Your readers and boss will be amazed -- I guarantee it.
Step One -- Hook 'Em In
Start off with the first of many secrets that college football fans just absolutely do not know. Hit them with the best season ever bit that ended with a 12-1 record and the Orange Bowl win over Virginia Tech. That's gold right there, but you've got to add some drama by throwing in the fact that KU has been a mediocre/horrible/non-factor program since Fielding Yost left. They'll know you're an expert when you throw that one out (not the Yost part -- the mediocre part).
Step Two -- The Big Reveal
You'll probably receive a Pulitzer when you expose the Jayhawks here. KU played the weakest schedule in college football since Bible times. This is where you make the money, my friend. After a non-con that included Central Missouri from Warrensburg, Jamie Farr's flag football team and the Palm Beach Croquet Club, the Jayhawks simply beat up on Big 12 opponents that were worthless -- meaning they had no value as football teams. In fact, OSU, Texas A&M and Baylor have since joined the Mountain West conference and Kansas State is clearly transitioning to the Jayhawk League. After finding out that the fireworks from the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics were computer-generated, it's not even clear that KU actually played any football games last year. It was likely just an animated fantasy built in the film studios at Pixar and funded by Lew Perkins.
Step Three -- Confuse the Reader By Contradicting Yourself
Mention all of the great players that played on the fraudulent 2007 squad that will be leaving and how KU won't be able to be that good again. This kind of sounds like you think the 2007 squad was good even though it clearly wasn't which doesn't make sense, but it does make sense if you write it down, right? Hee Hee. I love journalism.
Step Four -- Cover Yourself on the JC issue
You might want to mention Jocques Crawford to show that you do at least read Phil Steele on occasion. While it's clearly impossible for a running back to go out and have a 1,000 yard season in his first year as a starter, this guy is a little bit of a wildcard. No big deal as Step Five should take care of any potential improvement from the hapless Jayhawks. Just throw out the JC thing just in case. I mean you don't want to look dumb, right?
Step Five -- KU Forced to Play NFL Opponents for 2008
Now you get to layout the justice schedule. Obviously, an NCAA committee was formed in the offseason to craft a tougher schedule for Kansas. So, the greatness of Oklahoma and Texas cannot be overstated. Have fun with it. It's pretty clear that they are both NFL squads working through a probationary stage before joining the Sunday league. Texas Tech is already of course in the Arena Football League. The cumulative score from KU's last trips to Austin and Norman -- Hawks 24, NFL candidates 107.
Sorry Mark Mangino, you're not gaming the system this year. Nebraska is back and dominant again. The Jayhawks cannot win in Florida because they just don't win road games. Colorado has a new running back. KSU has a whole new team. ISU is just getting better. As for Missouri, it just isn't even close anymore. Justice will be swift.
Step Six -- The Big Finish
Alright Swami ... lay it out there. Since your credibility is super-high now, hit your readers with this out there prediction: "KU may be a little better, but with that schedule, I don't see them getting more than seven or eight wins."
Gold, my man. PFG, plain and simple.
Bonus: More Fun KU Football Secrets
Sprinkle these items throughout your story for more flavor:
- KU plays Texas this year. Start the media frenzy early by mentioning the 2004 dollar signs game
- KU is a basketball school, period
- Any reference to Mark Mangino's build will get you big points. If you are catering to 12-year-olds or are a 12-year-old, go for a fourth-grade style taunt for double points
Questions?
If I'm using this template, won't others use it as well?
Yes. Roughly about 100 times per day until September 12th, but that's okay, because you're on the internet my friend and people will click on any link that is new. We've got to read it all.
Since Mark Mangino's been an assistant on two programs that were factors on a national level and came to KU with the clearly stated goal of winning a Big 12 Championship, is it possible that the program has just slowly built up to the level of being legitimate program with 2006 being more of a fluke than 2007?
No.
What about all of the facilities they have built for football? It seems like they are taking it pretty seriously.
Rubbish. Waste of money. Maybe they are converting Memorial into a baskestball arena.
It seems like everyone is predicting eight wins for KU, couldn't I be bold and predict nine?
Don't you want to be a team player?
DJ Goodwin
